surrender to belief.

in the first week of 2013, i launched head first into intention, heartfelt and committed to identifying one word - only one - that would remain my focus and grounding force throughout the year. i spent hours in the thick of my journal, heavy handed with a black pen and determined to uncover the layers of God's purpose for that year. a couple hours into the process, bold font - like the glaring headline of a newspaper - flashed across my mind. the letters came together as if pulled from the very center of my soul (because that is how He writes...)

surrender.

as my pen strokes spelled the word onto paper, my voice muttered it out loud. with the sound of it echoing from my heart, i experienced anxiety...eagerness...peace...and freedom............all at once. 

surrender.

He called me into a year of surrender, one filled with poignant moments that caused me to lean on His truth and rely on His provision. one that revealed my doubting nature and created a trusting heart. one marked with spectacular adventure and epic love stories. one that will be reminisced upon and journaled about for years to come....

because i chose to surrender control of my own life and rest in the grace of the One Who created mine.

so here i am again, this time with an open heart to receive what He has for the year to come. this time, hearing that word didn't take hours. it barely took minutes. He used the voice of an incredible friend to speak some truth into my life. as she shared her heart, i could hear His for me. 

that with which He has filled me is enough. that with which He has designed me is good. that which He has set for me to have is plenty. that which He has called me to do will happen. He has clearly called me into a new year, and all He's asked of me...

"My child, believe." 

"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure." -Psalm 16:5

an ocean view

humanness. it's a simple concept, and yet we add layers of complexity that ultimately cloud the very essence of the word.

grammatically speaking, adding "ness" to a word turns it into "the state of..." so humanness, simply put, is the state of being human.

and yet, in how many different states do we find ourselves - on any given day?


joyful | sorrowful
energized | exhausted
certain | perplexed
committed | detached
full | empty
surrounded | alone


you get the drift. that list is endless, therefore creating a seemingly shifting environment of our own humanity. we are changing. evolving. adapting. growing. we start at point a and scramble to find point b. we set a lofty goal and create action steps towards achievement. our responses change. our emotions shift. and encompassed in all of that is our humanness.

there's that word again. but this time, it lands differently for me. why? because in examining the ebbs and flows of my own journey, i see the bigger picture...finally, i can lift my eyes from the sand bar in front of me - you know, that one that sometimes darkens as the water rises and other times is a soft space to land and rest. it's been my marker of where i am in my life. am i succeeding? am i growing? am i developing a specific skill set or building authentic relationships? tonight, i'm peeling my eyes away from the false marker on which my eyes have been fixed, and i'm repositioning my heart and my sight on what's in front of me: an expansive ocean, one with no end point on the left or right, and just a horizon creating its boundary in the distance. in this space - this epic, massive, infinite space - i see beauty, power, strength, unpredictability...and it's complete.

just as our humanness is complete.

we are created by a Masterful Artist, the One who - before the start of time - created me with each and every element of "ness." within me, He instilled vision, connection, passion, and a heart that can't beat for anything other than massive, earth shattering love. throughout my life, i've acknowledged the changing waves of my journey - some with gratitude and some with regret - all reliant on the "ness" of that specific time. today, i choose a new perspective: radical acceptance of the journey in its entirety. today i choose the ocean.

plan for nothing.

create space. my heart wants to. my mind tries to. my body longs to. and yet, i fail.

every second of my day is outlined. prepped. strategic. accounted for. filled.

until the day i lost my planner.

i've been without it for over a week, and i'm strangely calmer without it than i've been with it. i've been forced into some spontaneity and relegated to choice. i've learned new ways to move through the day, and i've found that childlike carefree spirit i buried under shoulds, woulds, and coulds.

flash back to my first job out of college - i quickly learned i was a pen and paper girl. despite my innumerable attempts to convert every social, personal, and professional obligation into an appointment with a 15 minute meeting reminder, i loved the feeling of pen to paper. it has since become my other half - but not my better one.

flash forward to that time my planner became my to do list and my list became my life. welcome to present day.  i convinced myself that being within the structure of planned hours allowed me to accomplish more. achieve more. be more. i equated my accomplishments to worth, which only gave way to frustration when i failed to achieve some preconceived use of time that only became a must because i put in on paper.

without a notebook in hand, i've seen a new perspective of choice. it might seem small to the onlooker. i mean let's get real. we're talking about paper here. and yet, there is something liberating, terrifying, and inspiring about losing every appointment i had marked for weeks to come. (yes - i have nothing in my phone. so if you're reading this, and i missed a call with you - accept my apologies. and let's reschedule!) #graceandpatience

because i am in choice, i see the opportunity to be in creativity about my day. i choose the action to fill the present moment and am actively prioritizing what's next in the day. unconstrained.

and thus creative.

without things on paper, my head is clear and my heart is full - because each moment has been chosen on purpose. not on plan.

room for boldness

i've been told i have a bold personality. and i apologized for that. i've been told i'm scattered - ideas left to right, top to bottom. and i apologized for that. i struggled to get focused. i wrestled to "be clear." in the last month, i've tried on something new. acceptance.

my Creator instilled in me a passion for life...in the form of a brain with a fully active right side that spews creativity, thought, music, color, words, ideas, and connection. instead of fighting my heart, what would happen if i embraced all that is within it? and so i have.

i have a bold personality. i have an addiction to people. and i'm a visionary.

nice to meet you.



earlier this week, i came down with the stomach flu. i worked for the week knowing i had a day off fast approaching before a BIG and packed weekend. if i could make it through 100%, i could be still. rest. and get ready to check off a one year goal. (by 7:00 p.m. tomorrow - i'll be at the conclusion of my spin instructor certification course. #goalsalive) so clearly, to make it through a 2.5 hour ride and 7 hours of lecture, i need rest. but what happens when an active human with 1,000 thoughts a second sits still?

you're reading it.

i journal. i ideate. i work on projects. i organize our finances. i clean (ok, that hasn't happened yet). i develop partners for a non-profit movement. i connect with an individual changing lives around the world. i career coach.

when i create space for rest, i find room for boldness. i find room to invest time in all the things i love most. because for me, rest equals space. space gives way to connection. and connection is the fuel of my life.

what i see in today is an opportunity to create that space in every minute. a moment to breath in gratitude, and exhale connection. a chance to put aside a to do list and be a part of someone's life list.

when we turn away from who we are, we stumble down a road that leaves us exhausted and only wanting more. what would happen if instead of chasing a supposed to or should do, you ran (quickly) after a WANT TO? what fills you up? what wakes up your soul?

today, make room for your heart. make room for boldness. the world is waiting for you.

finding home.

the last few weeks have brought with it a precious anniversary of marriage, some unanticipated news, an eager heart for what's next, and an anxious mind to control when and how my day will move forward.

and then i remembered that time is a manmade (and false) reality.

this life is not my own.

a friend asked me last week: "when was the last time everything clicked? it made sense. you were joyful. you were home." i answered by saying "when the wheels landed in Africa."

in may of 2010, i had my first mountain top experience on the continent i've come to hold as my second home. my dad and i made the first week of my month long stay in South Africa into a spontaneous father/daughter trip. (insert dad of the century award here). in our time there, we stumbled upon the baptism records of his grandfather, worshipped in the church in which he was confirmed, and the pieces fell into place of family members we'd never met.

a year later, my eyes opened to new possibilities of income generation potential for a country in dire need of sustainable living. Kenya grabbed a hold of my creativity and has rooted itself within me as a place of possibility, life, and energy.

i'm preparing for another trip in may, so i wanted to reflect more on my dear friend's thought provoking question. i've had incredible opportunities to experience connection, adventure, beauty, and newness. so why was Africa so top of mind? as i began to pull together the pieces of why i answered with some emphatic certainty, i realized that it was in Africa i first recognized God's full ownership of my life. my earthly possessions, my gifts and talents, and even my relationships are not of my own creation but of His divine provision. in losing site of that this last month, i've started to cling to what is tangible and lust after what i think is necessity.

in sitting back today and thinking about her question once more, i know the answer without hesitation. everything clicks. all is whole. and i am home...

when i surrender to His love.

God granted me a sweet earthly moment of His love during my husband's baptism several years ago. the photo below was taken the morning of that amazing day. just three days prior, i'd lost my hero and dearest friend - my grandfather.  yet in the sunlight of a new day, God reminded me of His grace and mercy in the gift of eternal connection with Him.

so often, we are running. we are searching for home. we are grappling for truth. and we are convinced we are alone in our struggle. yet we are far from alone. we are surrounded by His unfathomable love. He is not angry with us. He misses us. just as a father longs to hold his child, our God longs to hear from His child. cry out to Him. He's all ears....

cleaned up for chaos

i'm spontaneous.

that's what i tell people i meet.

i love adventure. i seek out new cities. i'm a big fan of moving to new places. i'm down to have coffee with a stranger - any day of the week.

so long as it's on my terms.

anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me knows that a conversation longer than 11 minutes will ultimately lead to an impromptu goal coaching session. at the center of my heart is you: your potential. your energy. your passion. i wake up to connect your inner most possibility to a life altering reality.  

but lately...when it comes to those coaching me...i'm shutting down. the questions start pouring in. the conversation livens. and then it happens.

i freeze.

my mind draws a blank. my pen stops moving. the page is full of words, ideas, expressions, drawings, and broken sentences. and nothing makes sense. for the first time in years, i'm not sure what i want to get after.

i couldn't figure out the road block until tonight's monthly catch up call with my three college roommates. we started talking about the surprising shift in becoming "creatures of habit" who apparently enjoy a smidge of order at the start of the week. little did i know, i've always been this routine, structure seeking being.

apparently, i've walked through life with a need for planning, cleanliness, certainty...and any other words that align with "must have control or everything will collapse." it wasn't until we began recounting stories of my odd habits of perfect sheets and organization during our time in college that i realized a startling truth: i like structure. in fact, i thrive in it. 

the "perfect plan" seems to create a sense of peace in what i choose as a jam packed life. when my home is in order, my heart is clear. walking into a peaceful environment supports my adventurous life, because i know i have a safe place to land. however, a trend is occurring. i spend more time keeping everything buttoned up than going after life with my whole heart.

i keep everything cleaned up, just in case chaos makes its way to my doorstep. 

the longer i hold onto the reigns of control, the more God will move my normal to release them. all that's needed exists within me at this very moment. no amount of structure, planning, and order can shift the possibility that's ahead. it's choice. my choice. to dig deep. trust Him. love hard. and live big. 

i'm here. i'm open. and i'm ready for things to get messy.

when Joy calls

I hear it everyday.I say it everyday. "life happens."

Today, I\'m struck by the magnitude of what\\\'s captured in that statement for so many of us.

What has happened?

A family member has taken ill. A spouse has lost his or her job. A child has suffered a virus with no foreseen cure. A friend has experienced a freak accident.

More often than not, I hear myself refer to life as the bucket for all things too difficult to carry on a human level.

Until today. The day when joy called.

Life happened today. I woke up. I shared an embrace with the man I adore. I took a bike ride in the sunshine to work - to a job I happen to love. I shared a phone call with peer who encouraged me in my work. I grabbed food with a friend. I sat on the couch and sipped wine with my main man while talking through his daily updates and "looking forward to\\\'s." I touched based with my sister for the planning of our parents\\\' 40th anniversary. I was reminded by a dear friend that God\'s goodness does not waiver - even when the world\'s no seems louder than God\'s abiding peace.

And that was simply today.

What joy might call tomorrow? Try these on for size.

-Embrace the moments that fuel your being
-Share gratitude with the first person you see
-View circumstances as just that - temporary peripheral happenings

Happiness is a chase without results.
Joy is a grounded recognition of Truth and freedom in choice.

From which place will you take action tomorrow?

#choosejoy

surrender

At the start of 2013, a friend handed me a guide - a play by play of zoning in on the word of the year. It\'s a twist, if you will, on the traditional "new years resolution," and one i was happy to test given my frequent frustration with resolve.

I thumbed through the pages of this workbook...determined to identify this word - this intention...reminder...north star of 2013. At the end of the workbook, I released expectation and toil - the work of simply trying to think such a lofty idea into existence.

And then it clicked.

Surrender.

Much of my life has been spent in overdrive - creating, doing, moving...at the root of those activities is one simple human truth: proving self worth.

at the start of 2013, i simply longed to sense and know God\'s presence in the midst of endless uncertainty. He gifted me with a sweet moment of truth - His truth that has never wavered. His presence has never faded. His goodness has never waned. His sovereignty has never failed.

And so in 2013, i committed to surrender. When i sense the human worth race clamoring at the door of my heart, i choose to be still and abide in His divine and purpose filled creation. When fear of what\'s next beckons at my earthly stability, I surrender to His provision that has never failed. When i question my purpose, I lean into His grace.

I surrender my mind so He can reign in my heart.

converse to connect

we all have them. some of us have them once a day...maybe even once an hour. words come out of our mouths. thoughts enter our heads. and it's done.

we've asked for something.
we've built an expectation.
and then we wait....

this pattern has never been more poignant than in my marriage. i say one thing and have created what will happen as a result of said statement/question/request. whether the desired outcome is in an hour or a year, i've already visualized and fully created what that outcome will be. the poor guy is doomed from the start - he can't even surprise me with joy or love me unconditionally...because i've created what that looks like, too!

wild imagination.

it's a recurring pattern in my life. so today i've taken a few moments to examine the impact. (it only took a few moments, because i didn't like what i saw). when i fail to take time to listen...to really hear from the person next to me - because i am only focused on me - i'm isolated. my world of self-created expectations, even when those expectations are centered on the happiness of another person, doesn't leave room for what's effortlessly in front of me. a couple hours to sit back and hear about the life updates of my nearest and dearest. a couple hours alone on the couch, with nothing to do but be still and soak up life. a spontaneous dinner with new friends. in grappling for control, the very essence of a beautiful life slips right through my fingers...leaving behind what could have been, if i'd only let go.

conversation is the means to one of God's greatest gifts - connection. the equation of connection, however, must be equally balanced on either side. an equal amount of intentional speaking must be met with others-focused listening (in my case, i need to double up that listening to speaking ratio...2 parts listening to 1 part conversing). in that space, where words are spoken and heard, opinions surface. thoughts are shared. life is opened.

and we connect.

joy in the journey

it's been years since i sat down to write..to really write.

literally - the account is still under my maiden name.

it's been years.


and i recognize so much just in that - i start down a path, i realize it's uncertain, and i shut it down. a paralyzing fear of uncertainty keeps me hidden in the shadows instead of exploring the varied shades of life. 

recently, i've been faced with another transition - one that is most certainly uncertain and full of sheer potential bliss. per my usual parker pattern, i was moving towards shutting it down. isn't it easier to stay under the covers and peek through that self created window between a fluffy pillow and a warm sheet? doesn't my protection come from a freshly washed tempurpedic sleeping mask? (and i just aged myself. willingly). shouldn't i just wait here until someone calls my name and gives me some marching orders? 

as i type, i'm sitting in the most beautiful apartment i may every live in. the waters of vancouver are steps from my window, and the lights from the nearest ski slopes flicker above our fireplace. sitting still, i'm certain i live in a novel, one i don't want to end. some of the greatest friends that have shaped my very being are just miles from my doorstep. a company i've come to call home is just over the bridge. seemingly, it's all right here...seemingly.

today, a very dear friend called me on my act. despite every excuse i tried to pull, she told me the truth: live out of gratitude instead of the death grip of fear. every card i played - from "is this right for our family?" to "what if everything falls apart" - is put back in the deck, never to be used again. because gratitude replaces every trump card with a heart free from the past, centered on the present, and open to the future.

so here i am, with a cup that overflows with gratitude for the time God has given us in this magical city and a heart that eagerly awaits what's next. between now and then, i choose joy|play|laughter|love|adventure. i choose to open my hands wide to the skies and relish in His goodness. i choose to walk forward - wrapped not in certainty or uncertainty - but in abundance. i choose life. because there - with arms up and spirit willing - is my heartsong.

#liveoutloud