it's been years since i sat down to write..to really write.
literally - the account is still under my maiden name.
it's been years.
and i recognize so much just in that - i start down a path, i realize it's uncertain, and i shut it down. a paralyzing fear of uncertainty keeps me hidden in the shadows instead of exploring the varied shades of life.
recently, i've been faced with another transition - one that is most certainly uncertain and full of sheer potential bliss. per my usual parker pattern, i was moving towards shutting it down. isn't it easier to stay under the covers and peek through that self created window between a fluffy pillow and a warm sheet? doesn't my protection come from a freshly washed tempurpedic sleeping mask? (and i just aged myself. willingly). shouldn't i just wait here until someone calls my name and gives me some marching orders?
as i type, i'm sitting in the most beautiful apartment i may every live in. the waters of vancouver are steps from my window, and the lights from the nearest ski slopes flicker above our fireplace. sitting still, i'm certain i live in a novel, one i don't want to end. some of the greatest friends that have shaped my very being are just miles from my doorstep. a company i've come to call home is just over the bridge. seemingly, it's all right here...seemingly.
today, a very dear friend called me on my act. despite every excuse i tried to pull, she told me the truth: live out of gratitude instead of the death grip of fear. every card i played - from "is this right for our family?" to "what if everything falls apart" - is put back in the deck, never to be used again. because gratitude replaces every trump card with a heart free from the past, centered on the present, and open to the future.
so here i am, with a cup that overflows with gratitude for the time God has given us in this magical city and a heart that eagerly awaits what's next. between now and then, i choose joy|play|laughter|love|adventure. i choose to open my hands wide to the skies and relish in His goodness. i choose to walk forward - wrapped not in certainty or uncertainty - but in abundance. i choose life. because there - with arms up and spirit willing - is my heartsong.