cleaned up for chaos

i'm spontaneous.

that's what i tell people i meet.

i love adventure. i seek out new cities. i'm a big fan of moving to new places. i'm down to have coffee with a stranger - any day of the week.

so long as it's on my terms.

anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me knows that a conversation longer than 11 minutes will ultimately lead to an impromptu goal coaching session. at the center of my heart is you: your potential. your energy. your passion. i wake up to connect your inner most possibility to a life altering reality.  

but lately...when it comes to those coaching me...i'm shutting down. the questions start pouring in. the conversation livens. and then it happens.

i freeze.

my mind draws a blank. my pen stops moving. the page is full of words, ideas, expressions, drawings, and broken sentences. and nothing makes sense. for the first time in years, i'm not sure what i want to get after.

i couldn't figure out the road block until tonight's monthly catch up call with my three college roommates. we started talking about the surprising shift in becoming "creatures of habit" who apparently enjoy a smidge of order at the start of the week. little did i know, i've always been this routine, structure seeking being.

apparently, i've walked through life with a need for planning, cleanliness, certainty...and any other words that align with "must have control or everything will collapse." it wasn't until we began recounting stories of my odd habits of perfect sheets and organization during our time in college that i realized a startling truth: i like structure. in fact, i thrive in it. 

the "perfect plan" seems to create a sense of peace in what i choose as a jam packed life. when my home is in order, my heart is clear. walking into a peaceful environment supports my adventurous life, because i know i have a safe place to land. however, a trend is occurring. i spend more time keeping everything buttoned up than going after life with my whole heart.

i keep everything cleaned up, just in case chaos makes its way to my doorstep. 

the longer i hold onto the reigns of control, the more God will move my normal to release them. all that's needed exists within me at this very moment. no amount of structure, planning, and order can shift the possibility that's ahead. it's choice. my choice. to dig deep. trust Him. love hard. and live big. 

i'm here. i'm open. and i'm ready for things to get messy.