Sunday, December 14, 2008

The big day

Tomorrow brings a decision for which I have waited to know for over seven years. Since choosing Baylor over UNC, I kept a place in my heart and a space in my list of goals reserved for a graduate degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (sounds so beautiful when you say all of the words....doesn't it? Did I imagine that??) I always thought I wanted an MBA from Carolina. The obsession became my identity and the thought of failure my greatest enemy.

Now, as I sit on a plane leaving D.C. for NC (ok, landed...but I wrote this WHILE flying), I pray God will close the doors He no longer wants pursued and opens the gates to experience His fulness. A year ago...shoot a month ago...I would have told you that all I wanted for Christmas was an acceptance letter from UNC. Now, all I want? I want what God wants. I want His heart to infiltrate mine and spark flames long extinguished from fear and selfishness.

So now, as I wait, I choose to not wait anxiously, but eagerly....for this. This moment for which I've waited for years was written in God's book of life millenniums ago. What have I to fear but fear itself? My human nature begs an answer to a life full of questions. My genetic disposition to goal setting longs for a check mark on that ever growing to-do list. What's my remedy? Music...and lots of it.

I've had "Let Go" on repeat. Again, now as we begin our descent into Raleigh, I begin my, though sometimes fruitless, attempt at letting go and letting God. Here goes nothin'. Wait...haven't I said that before? Guess practice makes perfect...well, at least some semblance of perfect.

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