Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Beauty in the Breakdown

One of my favorite songs, though secular, has given me a sense of resolute conviction and an odd amount of courage to continue walking in faith and step out to meet God head on. The longer I have tried outrunning Him, the harder He has shaken the earth beneath my feet....all to get my attention. As I listened to the song "Let Go," by Frou Frou, last night, I was struck with...yet another...stark realization. I can finally stop running. I can truly break down in front of a Risen Savior. He was crushed so that I might commune with, a dark and broken sinner, can sit with Christ, a Holy and Righteous Lord, as His adopted daughter and beloved one. Not only can I sit with Him...what's more? He wants me there! Talk about a miracle in and of itself. What a portrait of grace. What a picture of beauty.

Yesterday afternoon, I sat in the waiting room of the cardiovascular wing at WakeMed. The people around me were three times my age. Suddenly, I felt incredibly alone and positively terrified. There I was...24 years old....with an accelerated heart rate, severe chest pains, and shortness of breath. The people around me were dropping off forms regarding pacemakers and blood pressure medications. Was this really happening? Was I signing up for a stress echocardiogram at my age? Had my emotional and spiritual upheaval finally reached me on a physical level? Well, the doctor gave me encouraging news regarding my health. I still have a ways to go, but there was nothing about which to be frightened (praise the Lord). Regardless of the outcome, the experience was eye-opening. Here I am grasping for every detail of my life to become a certainty, making sure every person in my life is pleased and content, and shoving open doors so I could somehow be purposeful in my existence...and the end result?  A literal heartache. 

In order for God to "heal my heart" (spiritually and physically), He is (not even slowly but surely) quickly and efficiently stripping away the things in my life that distract me from seeking His face first. In taking what is, to me, a massive leap of faith, my closest relationships have changed dramatically. My friendships are deeper, intentional, sincere, purposeful, intimate, and restful. My relationship with my boyfriend has reached an indescribable level of trust, honesty, and peace. And my walk with God? While I have days of stumbling....and therefore falling hard...I have experienced a closeness with Him that I have not known since a specified and poignant time in my childhood. Praise Him above. I have no answers to the questions that linger in my heart, but I have Him...and that? That makes every uncertain and, sometimes unattractive, part of my heart beautiful in His sight.

As a dear friend reminded me this morning, God is the Master Artist. What an amazing illustration of His grace that He would spend time pruning me for fruitfulness and refining me for His glory. While on the inside, I feel like I am breaking down bit by bit, I am gently reminded that there is beauty in the breakdown. 

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