My Grace is Sufficient

Well, it's Thursday. Technically, tomorrow is my last day in the office. I will be working on an "as needed" basis next week, which will put me in the office for a couple of hours. Officially, however, I consider tomorrow my last true, full, entire, complete, total work day. Unreal.

This morning, we had the annual Christmas breakfast in the office. Just picture 3 picnic tables covered with plates of cookies, biscuits, casseroles, scrambled eggs, sausage, chocolate...more chocolate...more cookies...it goes on and on and on and on. Prior to the "chow fest," we have the privilege of hearing a very wonderful and godly employee give a blessing over the Christmas season and the breakfast. I knew today would be tough, but as I stood next to my closest friend at work...one of my closest friends in Raleigh...the tears began to flow.

I stand in awe of the blessings God has provided my two years in Raleigh. I did not understand, at the time, His purpose in bringing me here. I don't know that I will ever fully grasp the wonder and purpose of His divinity and sovereignty, though He absolutely blows me away time and time again. He took me from North Carolina to Colorado to show me His true love and gift of life. He took me from North Carolina to Texas to show me the importance and value of unconditional love through the friendships of several phenomenal women. He took me from Texas to Belize to show me real faith...faith without the fluff, so to speak. He took me from Texas to France to show me that I really am His...and I really can stand on my own two feet (as long as I have a Hand to hold). He took me from Texas back to NC, but a different place than the town I knew so well. Raleigh, NC...my home. 

I questioned, quite often actually, why He took me out of the comfort zone of Texas. Well, I am learning more and more to question Him less and less. The banner over my life reads "My grace is sufficient for today." That is what He pours into my heart, time and time again. In this city, He has brought me the dearest of friends. He has allowed me the joy of spending time with my family that lives less than two hours away. He gave me time with my grandfather prior to his reunion with Jesus. He has blessed me with the unconditional love of an incredible man...a man who has stood by me in some very dark seasons of life and, still, loves me where I am...regardless of where I'm been or where I'm going. And, ultimately, He brought me into a community of believers, without whom I'm not sure I could put one foot in front of the other. The people surrounding me have pointed me Upwards when my heart was pulling me down. 

And now? Now these people are pushing me towards a goal I have had for some time...an education at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I received my letter...they did not say yes...but they did not say no! I have a happy and content place on the wait list until February 9th. Even if the letter says "No" on that day, I will frame it with pride, as God continues to open and close doors around me. That will be my framed billboard..no matter what the answer!

So for now, I will live under the same billboard and banner I'm seeing more clearly each day: "My grace is sufficient."

The big day

Tomorrow brings a decision for which I have waited to know for over seven years. Since choosing Baylor over UNC, I kept a place in my heart and a space in my list of goals reserved for a graduate degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (sounds so beautiful when you say all of the words....doesn't it? Did I imagine that??) I always thought I wanted an MBA from Carolina. The obsession became my identity and the thought of failure my greatest enemy.

Now, as I sit on a plane leaving D.C. for NC (ok, landed...but I wrote this WHILE flying), I pray God will close the doors He no longer wants pursued and opens the gates to experience His fulness. A year ago...shoot a month ago...I would have told you that all I wanted for Christmas was an acceptance letter from UNC. Now, all I want? I want what God wants. I want His heart to infiltrate mine and spark flames long extinguished from fear and selfishness.

So now, as I wait, I choose to not wait anxiously, but eagerly....for this. This moment for which I've waited for years was written in God's book of life millenniums ago. What have I to fear but fear itself? My human nature begs an answer to a life full of questions. My genetic disposition to goal setting longs for a check mark on that ever growing to-do list. What's my remedy? Music...and lots of it.

I've had "Let Go" on repeat. Again, now as we begin our descent into Raleigh, I begin my, though sometimes fruitless, attempt at letting go and letting God. Here goes nothin'. Wait...haven't I said that before? Guess practice makes perfect...well, at least some semblance of perfect.

Adoption

The past few days have been rough...and I mean really rough. I guess, as it is with my back surgery, things must get worse before they get better. So is the case with my life as God strips away the layers of performance, fear, and expectation to reveal His heart for me. My Heavenly Father has redefined parenthood. As if His unconditional love is not enough, He wants me. He doesn't want me for my intelligence, my talents, or my gifts...He wants me for my heart.

I love the idea of adoption. My prayer and hope is to, one day, bring a child into my home that is not of my genetic line but instead of my "love line." This portrait of parenthood is infinitely beautiful in my mind. A Parent is not a parent out of obligation or genetic predisposition. Instead, a parent is a parent out of a heart to love, a longing to nurture, and desire to comfort. This parent longed for a new life, and chose to rescue this new life from an uncertain future. Isn't that what our loving and selfless Christ does for us? He brings us into His family and bestows an inheritance, not because He must, but because He chooses...He chooses us. He picks us. He loves us.....He loves me.

I tear up, even as I write this, because the realization of His longing for me gives substance to my sometimes shaky confidence and security as I continue walking in, what feels like, blind faith. The world around me questions me. Ultimately I question me. What's worse, I question my God. I often find myself defending my decisions, justifying my lifestyle, and substantiating my heart's desire. At the end of the day, I am exhausted, both emotionally and spiritually. I begin doubting the purpose of my existence and I question God's sovereignty. By His grace, I am reminded that my earthly surroundings do not direct my path or define my identity. In fact, any identify I have in the world has been crushed by the powerful hand of an Almighty God. That same hand that can create a planet from nothing and end the world in an instant simultaneously comforts me in my sorrow and holds me close as I tremble. 

What comfort. What security. What a Father.

Beauty in the Breakdown

One of my favorite songs, though secular, has given me a sense of resolute conviction and an odd amount of courage to continue walking in faith and step out to meet God head on. The longer I have tried outrunning Him, the harder He has shaken the earth beneath my feet....all to get my attention. As I listened to the song "Let Go," by Frou Frou, last night, I was struck with...yet another...stark realization. I can finally stop running. I can truly break down in front of a Risen Savior. He was crushed so that I might commune with Him...me, a dark and broken sinner, can sit with Christ, a Holy and Righteous Lord, as His adopted daughter and beloved one. Not only can I sit with Him...what's more? He wants me there! Talk about a miracle in and of itself. What a portrait of grace. What a picture of beauty.

Yesterday afternoon, I sat in the waiting room of the cardiovascular wing at WakeMed. The people around me were three times my age. Suddenly, I felt incredibly alone and positively terrified. There I was...24 years old....with an accelerated heart rate, severe chest pains, and shortness of breath. The people around me were dropping off forms regarding pacemakers and blood pressure medications. Was this really happening? Was I signing up for a stress echocardiogram at my age? Had my emotional and spiritual upheaval finally reached me on a physical level? Well, the doctor gave me encouraging news regarding my health. I still have a ways to go, but there was nothing about which to be frightened (praise the Lord). Regardless of the outcome, the experience was eye-opening. Here I am grasping for every detail of my life to become a certainty, making sure every person in my life is pleased and content, and shoving open doors so I could somehow be purposeful in my existence...and the end result?  A literal heartache. 

In order for God to "heal my heart" (spiritually and physically), He is (not even slowly but surely) quickly and efficiently stripping away the things in my life that distract me from seeking His face first. In taking what is, to me, a massive leap of faith, my closest relationships have changed dramatically. My friendships are deeper, intentional, sincere, purposeful, intimate, and restful. My relationship with my boyfriend has reached an indescribable level of trust, honesty, and peace. And my walk with God? While I have days of stumbling....and therefore falling hard...I have experienced a closeness with Him that I have not known since a specified and poignant time in my childhood. Praise Him above. I have no answers to the questions that linger in my heart, but I have Him...and that? That makes every uncertain and, sometimes unattractive, part of my heart beautiful in His sight.

As a dear friend reminded me this morning, God is the Master Artist. What an amazing illustration of His grace that He would spend time pruning me for fruitfulness and refining me for His glory. While on the inside, I feel like I am breaking down bit by bit, I am gently reminded that there is beauty in the breakdown. 

Peace Attack

If you are a human, you have heard the phrase "panic attack." It's a common effect people experience from the onset of stress or anxiety. The problem is often exacerbated by physical pain, feelings of doubt and uncertainty, or even small and confined spaces. I have definitely had my fair share of panic attacks. However, the past two days are reminiscent of something else. I like to call it a Peace Attack. 

I have had a few amazing days of peace, rest, and stillness. Then, the words of those closest to me...the demands of the people around me...the needs I feel I must meet on a daily basis...all of those combine to recreate expectations and ultimately bind me back up in the shackles from which I thought I was free. Fortunately, as He always does, God provided a respite in the midst of the attacks. He has given me an oasis in the desert. He has given me a promise....a promise of peace fulfilled.

I just returned from an amazing Bible study...one of the few places that I deem a "safe place." I am free from judgement, expectation, and demands. I cannot let those women down. I cannot disappoint them. I am even now starting to believe that I cannot shock them. We have only met a couple of times, and yet I am amazed by the powerful bonds God has created through these incredible people. The women that make up this study are raw, vulnerable, honest, wise, forthright, unpretentious, and open to the movement of the Holy Spirit. Many open up about their own personal spiritual struggles. Some share the deepest parts of their heart, their innermost fears, and their surprises of joy. I have known a few of these women for a very long time, and I consider their friendship one of God's great treasures. He truly has surrounded me with an amazing group of believers, and they have walked beside me through some very dark times.

In our study tonight, we discussed a verse in Haggai that had profound meaning for me this week. " 'The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the LORD Almighty. 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty." Haggai 2:8

The Lord reminded His people that every earthly possession was ultimately for His use...His glory...His purpose. God will shake the nations, level mountains, and raise valleys all for the purpose of expanding His Kingdom. What is even more amazing, to me at least, than God leveling actual mountains to proclaim His word is that He would use me...a small-town girl without much sense of purpose or direction...to ultimately fulfill His purpose. He has adopted ME into His family. As it says at the end of Haggai, He has placed a signet ring on my hand, His seal, to mark the rest of the world for His sake. The idea that God would use you and me to proclaim His gospel to the ends of the earth...well, there just aren't words to articulate the power of that thought and the COURAGE we can take in knowing that He is faithful to accomplish His Word. By far, my favorite part of that scripture, "And in this place I will grant peace." He doesn't just say it, as He does the preceding verses. He declares it. God will grant peace. 

There are many places in my life where I do not feel known or loved unconditionally. I did not understand complete unconditional love, and as a result, my view of God was distorted for a large part of my life. I believed He desired something from me. I believed I had to work for His blessing and work towards His grace. I believed I needed to work for forgiveness, instead simply asking for His mercy. I believed I had something to prove before I could receive something I earned. My faith walk was a performance walk...and I stumbled all the way to exhaustion. Thankfully, God has begun to tear apart the lie I have lived for so long, and while there will be difficult challenges and "casualties," as my mentor says, along the way, ultimately, He will rebuild those broken places in my heart and establish an unshakable peace in my life. As He promises in Isaiah 61:4, He will rebuild His temple, and He will rid life of peace attacks.

When you are certain that a decision is God's very best...when scripture has confirmed it, and circumstances illuminate, hold tight to that certainty and rest in God's sovereignty. It only takes a small seed of doubt before my entire heart bursts forth weeds of worry. Doubt and fear are like the kudzu of my life....just swallowing up any hope of fruitfulness. Let God take the pruning shears to those vines. He wants to rebuild His temple, and He wants His people to hear His word. Take a Biblical Xanex...search the scriptures, and see what He's done before. He will do it again.

A Highway for Our God

I need 10 sets of hands to count the number of times I have heard "What the heck are you doing? We are in an economic recession, and you QUIT YOUR JOB?" Honestly, you would think I robbed a bank, spent the money on a new jet, and flew to Fiji to set up shop for a few years.

I just sent an email to one of my closest confidants requesting a "reminder" that I made the right decision. Truth-be-told, though I love this friend more than words can say, I do not need her affirmation. I need His direction. Yesterday morning, I was reminded of God's providence and His ability to meet the needs of His people over and over and over again. One of our scripture lessons came from Isaiah 40. This book of the Bible has long held a special place in my heart. Through the darkest times in my life, I have sought refuge in Isaiah 45:2-3, Isaiah 43, and many others. Yesterday's passage, however, rocked me to the core...more than normal. (If you know me well, you are aware that few Sundays pass at Holy Trinity Church without some sniffles from me on the second row. I am often moved to tears by the words of our Lord through the voice of our incredible church leaders).  Ok, so back to the point...me and tangents...we are BEST friends. 

The title of this passage is "Comfort for God's People." I am a firm believer that, no matter what your lot in life, at some point you will need the comfort of our Shepherd. Even if financial strain never becomes a reality, or illness does not visit your home...at some point, we all sink into a pit of uncertainty, doubt, fear, anger, mistrust, and the list goes on.  Isaiah 40 STARTS with "Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD's hand double for all her sins." Talk about BREAKING OFF CHAINS! That is freedom in its purest and most perfect sense.

Though the entire passage practically unzipped my heart, the following verses filled the places long empty from loneliness.

"A voice of one calling: 'In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a high for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.' A voice says, 'Cry out.' And I said, 'What shall I cry?' .....You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, 'Here is your God!' See, the Sovereign LORD comes with POWER, and His arm rules for Him. See, His reward is with Him, and His recompense accompanies Him. He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."

Ok, as I sit and copy, word for word, this passage, I have to stop and beg you to read the rest. Truly, the entire context is phenomenal. Even now I am captivated by His indescribable power, and yet stilled by His intimate knowledge of me and compassion towards me. 

So...what the heck am I doing? Why am I "journeying" now...in the middle of such uncertainty? Well, watch out for my caution lights and make room for the "Wide Load Ahead." I am cleaning out the clutter, sweeping away the cobwebs, and preparing my heart and life for a total overhaul (see verse above describing leveled mountains and raised valleys). Consider me "under construction," if you will. So, with that said, pardon my mess. I am just making a highway for God..........straight to my heart.

Delight yourself in the Lord...

Several months ago, my pastor asked if I was enjoying God. Was I enjoying this life as a Christian? Was I delighting in the Lord? I quickly responded to his question with a resounding "no." Now, for the first time in a long time, I can say "yes."

This morning, I had the joy of spending time with a close girlfriend and catching up on life's latest "happenings." During college (and ashamedly even after college), I filled my mind with so much worry and concern that I could barely focus on sitting still, let alone listen, to a girlfriend pouring her heart out in the chair across from me. In college, my worries were minimal. Now, we talk about health problems in our family, the effect of the economy on our friends...many of whom own small businesses in the area...our future relationships, our friends getting married, our friends getting divorces, our friends with children, and our friends losing children. Life has a new look these days, yet still...we can delight. 

We discussed a few things this morning that normally would illicit my advice or thoughts. However, today was different. Instead of throwing in my two cents, I sat back and listened. (I realized that I missed that from a number of people around me, and I value the fact that this precious friend has done nothing but listen for years). I can't describe how much I enjoyed just laughing, talking, and sipping on perfect coffee as we recounted the events of our week.

When we open ourselves up to the advice, criticism, thoughts, and direction from others, we lose sight of our own identity in Christ. As I said in another post, our souls become muddied with the clutter from the outside world, and we eventually end up running to the nearest river of holiness in search of a clean slate and fresh beginning. I'm starting to see more of those rivers, and I want less of the clutter.

Today is the first day I have felt a sense of freedom....it happened in the Verizon store of all places. I had to switch my blackberry over to an old phone I shoved in a drawer long ago after I received word that a job offer was on the way. For a while now, my cell phone bill has been graciously covered by the firm from which I resigned this week. While I am taking on a new bill (without a current employment opportunity to assist), I welcome the additional "fund sucker" with open arms. It is one more step in not necessarily the right direction, but a direction away from the bondage I've the past few years.

Even in the past few days, I have noticed a stark contrast in my own ability to delight in the day. I have been anxiously searching for purpose, and, as a result, I have missed out on the "surprises by Joy" God has placed in front of me every second. A walk around the park, a trip to Starbucks, a conversation with a friend...even a perfect sunset. I was easily distracted from delighting in these things, because I was too busy swatting away guilt, regret, and confusion. 

I am privileged to have very wise counsel in my life. A few days ago, a member of what I consider my "earthly counsel" said to me "Sometimes you have to let go of one thing before God will show you another." Sure enough, I was waiting for God to post a billboard sign with instructions to find the next best thing. In reality, He was just slashing my tires so these worn out wheels would stop rolling down the wrong road. He hasn't posted any billboards, and I'm no longer waiting for Him to do so. For now, and hopefully forever, I will enjoy the blessings of His goodness as I seek out the delight of His heart. 

A New House

It hasn't even been 12 hours since my last post, but I am too excited to wait and write....for fear I might forget/leave out a detail/lose the zeal if I wait any longer. 

I am part of a women's Bible study, and the focus of the first part of our lesson has been the book of Haggai. I must say I have been blown away by God's timing in providing the richness of His blessing through this incredible book. The history behind Haggai ironically parallels our current society. Despite God's beckoning to the mountaintops, we have taken our own methods to build opulent lives and ultimately left Him out of the process. In the book of Haggai, God calls His people, who have rebelled against His commands, back to His heart and into restoration of His temple. 

The passage this morning gave me immense hope that God has brought me to this place so that He may rebuild my life to finally become His temple. I have stored up earthly treasures and filled the chambers of my heart leaving little room for God's presence and blessing. For so long I have longed for God to use me to His glory, yet I remained paralyzed with fear that I would fail my Creator. I did not trust Him to do the work for me, despite the thousands of pages of Scripture that prove otherwise. 

So...back to why I am so excited!! Below is the passage that struck a very large set of chords in my heart.

"Yet now be strong, O Zerubbabel, declares the Lord. Be strong, O Joshua, son of Jehozdak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land, declares the LORD. Work, for I am with you, declares the LORD of hosts, according to the covenant that I made with you when you came out of Egypt. My Spirit remains in you midst. Fear not. For thus says the LORD of hosts: Yet once more, in a little while, I will shake the heavens and the earth and the sea and the dry land. And I will shake all nations, so that the treasures of all nations shall come in, and I will fill this house with glory, says the LORD of hosts. The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, declares the LORD of hosts. The latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former, says the LORD of hosts. And in this place I will give peace, declares the LORD of hosts." Haggai 2: 4-9

Even as I write it out, I am stunned again and left close to speechless...ok, not completely rendered without words, because I can obviously write a few. But in all candor, what a way to start the song. A promise of strength. A promise of presence. A promise of restoration. Finally....a promise of peace. 

In response to this scripture, I asked myself several questions. What am I doing in my life to make room for the Holy Spirit? What detracts me from His throne room? In what other chambers do I spend my time and energy? What is He shaking out of me? What treasures does He long to reveal, and what treasures have I kept in my house? Lastly....what am I fighting against?

I have come to believe in the past few years that disbelief in God's ability to use us leads to fear and eventual stagnation. It seems easier, and sometimes less painful, to stand still and remain right where we are instead of moving out in faith that He will move and move mightily. I confess I have been and am afraid of what He will do in my life if I turn every piece over to Him. True, we never fully learn to do this until we are standing with Him in Eternal Glory. As someone mentioned yesterday, this life is often difficult, because we were not intended for eternal life on this earth and long for life outside of this. Yet while we are still here...while we are still in the pruning process...how can we experience His fulness in the midst of daily toils? What am I afraid of? What am I fighting against? 

Time and time again, God has taken His people from the desert and given them more than they could have imagined. Yet time and time again, His same people begin to doubt that He can do it again. I think I have been fighting against letting go and letting God, because I clung to a lie that He would strip everything away and leave me deserted and alone. Hello lie from the pit of Hades and stinkin' up like smoke! God does not hold his children by their t-shirts, over a cliff, threatening a painful fall into darkness. Instead, He holds us in the palm of one hand, and then covers us with His other...never to be snatched away.

So why fight? I certainly can't muster up the strength to sing alone. So?? "Be strong...Work, for I am with ou...My Spirit remains in your midst. Fear not...I will give peace." Now that is the promise of a new song...the promise of a new house. That is the Temple worth visiting.

Step 1

Blog number 2....one for fun, one for purpose. Need something funny? www.eaat.blogspot.com. Haven't updated it in forever, but I promise I will shift to that one soon.

I love to write. As a child, I wrote random stories about fictitious characters who seemed to have the "happy ever after" thing down pat. I kept journals off and on through middle and high school. Then, in college, I began to dialog with God endlessly. He took me on an unexpected path. I never left home and hated leaving my family. I traveled to places far from home where I ultimately met God in a new and intimate way. I wanted UNC. I ended up choosing Baylor...a school I knew little about in Texas. I wanted to live in Texas for the rest of my life and figured I would marry some guy down there and live next door to my college roommates. I am back in Raleigh and head over heels in love with a born-and-bred North Carolinian. So far, my plans haven't exactly turned out the way I originally, well, planned. Probably because, as that man I love often says, my arms are too short to box with God.

Perhaps I should provide some background. I can sum it up fairly easily...I pulled my first "all-nighter" to study for an exam in 6th grade. From an early age, I was a perfectionist. I performed, literally, everyday. People have always dubbed me the vulnerable and extroverted one, when in reality I have journaled night after night about how lonely I feel. I guess no one ever picked those things up. Odd, really, because I left them in fairly accessible locations. Desk drawers...nightstands...I even remember walking in from class one day to find that I'd left it on the coffee table from a journaling session earlier that morning. Anyway, tangent over. Back to the point.

In college, I wrote everything resting on my heart. I wrote the things I loved. I wrote the things I despised. I wrote the things I had planned for my life. And somewhere in the middle, I threw in some requests to my Heavenly Father to make the good things better, the bad things vanish, and the planned things happen....and happen fast. Well, He nudged His way through those pages an obliterated the portrait I painted for my life. When I didn't learn my lesson and started painting again? Well He spray painted right over those, as well...just like He's doing now. 

Ultimately, I ended up so confused as to why God wasn't blessing my plans. I mean I obviously loved Him, right? I was heavily involved in my church growing up and in college. I attended multiple Bible studies a week. I led Bible studies for girls in and out of college. I read scripture. I prayed. I had that whole "Christian thing" to a science...almost disgustingly so. I talked it well. I seemingly walked it well. Yet all along, deep down, I knew I had it backwards. I basically stared Him in the face (ok, clearly not literally) and said "I don't really think You're going to pull through in the end, so I'll just go ahead and make this choice. Open and close doors as You see fit." Decisions first. Pray later. And in the middle? Please, perform, and perfect. Nothing destroyed me more than disappointing someone. Nothing became more routine than displaying the perfect life to the outside world, regardless of what my heart might say. And nothing pleased me more than fixing something...either a situation or a person. I wanted to be the dependable one. If I was dependable, I was needed. And if I was needed, I would never be abandoned.

I should back up again. I definitely was not abandoned as a child. I won't go into my entire family history, but I grew up in a loving, Christian home. I have two wonderful parents and a phenomenal sister. All three are God-fearing believers and constant encouragers. However, as a product of a driven and goal-oriented family, I fell into a pattern of conditional love.  When I succeeded, I was praised heavily...not just praised really, but celebrated. Voice recitals, awards at school, confirmation...each supposed milestone in life deserved a dinner at the Club or family gathering at someone's home. In my home, birthdays were and are bigger than Christmas. There is nothing like celebrating life and/or achievements. 

It is often difficult to discern someone's tone in writing. I think I need to step in and clarify that I so enjoyed my childhood. My sister and I were not only supported and celebrated, but also deeply loved and encouraged by everyone in our lives, including extended family. I only paint the picture in the aforementioned paragraph, because I believe it provides some background as to how I began to fear failure and independent choices. My family has been a part of everything. I have consulted them on every decision....and I mean every decision. My obsession with pleasing them/fearing them went so far that in high school, I tasted a mixed drink at a college party. When the clock struck 1:00 a.m., I phoned my parents in Lexington and confessed my action. Keep in mind..I had a few sips...not even an entire drink. And I was nowhere near tipsy. Yet I feared their response and felt so much shame for my actions that I had to immediately vindicate myself and beg for forgiveness. This pattern became the norm, and ultimately I went to my family and friends for everything. People became my go-to, my source of information, my calm from the storm, and my voice of reason. That voice of reason eventually became hundreds of voices. I plugged so many people into my life that the voice of God was nowhere to be heard. 

So that's how I got here. Again, disclaimer: I have an amazing life. I live in a beautiful city. I had a steady job (I'll get to that in a second). I am surrounded by wonderful friends. I'm a member of quite possibly the greatest church in America (yes, I'm partial). I am in love with one of God's great men of this earth. My family is healthy and happy, and, assumedly, I should be too. Somehow, along the road to pleasing the rest of America, I began to lose pieces of myself. The perfect picture I've described is incredibly close to perfect...it's just missing something...me. I have tried for months to wake up and "count it all joy." My best friend called a few weeks ago and reminded me of everything for which I can be thankful. She was spot on in her conversation, and yet I still could not pinpoint the dissatisfaction. I kept trying to fit more square pegs in a whole bunch of round wholes. I've applied to graduate school for business, something I thought I wanted since college. I have pursued a fairly laid out career track in marketing...something everyone told me I could do, since I apparently sold jelly beans to strangers at age 5. And yet, I know in my heart....this ain't my song. Why might that be? My guess? I took the sheet of music from the Songwriter, and tried to pick out some random notes on my own.

I guess that is the best place to wrap up for tonight. I am taking a break from pulling notes out of thin air. The song just wasn't sounding too pretty...it had a few good lines every now and then, but the remnant of a melody was lost in a myriad of flats and sharps that distracted the listener from enjoying the song and stole the songwriter's joy of living out the process. So here I am...finally turning over this sheet of music to the One Who created my heart to rejoice and my voice to sing. It is time I put action to thought and truly take a leap of faith. 

"(He) set my feet upon a rock making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God." Psalm 40: 2-3

The context of that scripture is amazing. I think parts of it are descriptive of our past, and the rest is a promise for our future. This journey is one I actually started some time ago. However, just as He is urging me to put action to words, I am encouraged to write the words of my actions.

Step 1 on this narrow and uncertain road: letting go. I had a path. I had a plan. I had a job. Now? I let go. I love love love the people with whom I work. However, it was time that I let go of my own plan and hand my heart over to the One Who made it. He had it anyway...I was just trying desperately to keep all things normal. In my effort to maintain control of my life, I lost it all completely. Finally, my heart is softened to hear His voice. I pray He instills His words into the depths of my heart, and that my life may sing a new song...a song of praise to Him...a Heartsong.