I’ve sat down to write out these words several times now
– each moment feeling more difficult than the one before. I tried to pinpoint
the hold up on my heart, and this morning – of course while having a
food-centered moment over my coconut flour pancakes – it dawned on me. How many
people really know the details of my
journey? How many times was I told, “You don’t have a problem,” “It’s really
not that bad,” or “It’s just a phase?” While I’m transparent with almost every
part of my life, the depths of my heart hold tight to the anguish surrounding
my body. The battle for those corners of my spirit raged on, during the so
called “best years of my life,” until I finally gave up the war and surrendered
to the only One big enough to win it for me.
I feel like a lot of folks who journey an
interesting road qualify their story with the phrase “I grew up in a stable and
loving home,” as though an ideal setting precludes us from challenge. Well,
news flash…the enemy has no favorites. Every heart has equal accessibility to
trial. The minute I turned inward for control, my heart was primed for a
takeover.
Between the ages of 15 and 29, my relationship with food
was tumultuous at best. As soon as I thought I’d reached a healthy
balance, I would find myself staring back into the face of the enemy I’d spent
so much energy willing myself away from.
I would mark events in my life (college graduation, family events, our
wedding, our first house) by “skinny time” or “fat time.” The memories
illustrated in the photo would fade behind the noisy thoughts in my head
criticizing every square inch of my body. Focused solely on myself, the shame
attached to my pride only compounded the heartache.
My journey is full of marked moments of desperation.
Between bottles of pills used to “balance” my food intake during college and
extreme workouts that landed me in back surgery by age 23, I did everything to
my body in pursuit of perfection. The breakdown? I allowed nothing for my body.
Let me pause here for a moment and ask you a
question: Why should we care so much about this subject? Personally, why does
physical health matter so intensely to me? One word answer for both questions:
freedom. I longed for the emotional, physical, and spiritual space to love
others, give radically, and live freely. My yo-yo years with nutritional and
physical health have taken up so much space, in my head and heart. For a while,
it was centered on dropping pounds and losing inches. Ultimately, as my heart
began to heal, it was about finding consistency in one area of my life to build
the foundation for growth and impact in all parts of my life.
When we counsel others through eating disorders, we often
hear “this will always be a part of your journey.” Or my other favorite, “this
will always be your fight.” Living within that supposed truth kept me in
bondage to this enemy for nearly half of my life. All I could find was
temporary relief clouded by the harsh reality that this nemesis would show its
face again. My story – the one that began with “this will always be your fight”
– became my truth. It was my life banner, until my Creator intervened on my
behalf to repaint that banner with His heart for me. In His grace, He rewrote
my story. He gave me a new heartsong.
Here are the two truths of eating disorders: They are not
preventable. They are curable. We are a community within a fallen world –
crippled by sin and seemingly overpowered by societal norms. We cannot control
what others around us see and hear. However, we can choose who we are for our community. We can be a soft landing for a hurting soul. We can speak in transparency and love. We can call the enemy for who he is and what he is – naming the lie
and claiming the truth. And more than all of those combined, we can call on a Risen Savior. Christ needs
not to fight the battle for us, because by His life, death, and
resurrection…the war is already won.
In His victory is our freedom.
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