giving up the fight | the war on eating disorders

This post was written as a guest contribution to a dear friend of The House of Hatton. It is a reflection on my own journey and a prayer for all of those living in the shadows of an eating disorder. May you find hope in His truth and release in His grace. #NEDAwareness

I’ve sat down to write out these words several times now – each moment feeling more difficult than the one before. I tried to pinpoint the hold up on my heart, and this morning – of course while having a food-centered moment over my coconut flour pancakes – it dawned on me. How many people really know the details of my journey? How many times was I told, “You don’t have a problem,” “It’s really not that bad,” or “It’s just a phase?” While I’m transparent with almost every part of my life, the depths of my heart hold tight to the anguish surrounding my body. The battle for those corners of my spirit raged on, during the so called “best years of my life,” until I finally gave up the war and surrendered to the only One big enough to win it for me.

I feel like a lot of folks who journey an interesting road qualify their story with the phrase “I grew up in a stable and loving home,” as though an ideal setting precludes us from challenge. Well, news flash…the enemy has no favorites. Every heart has equal accessibility to trial. The minute I turned inward for control, my heart was primed for a takeover.

Between the ages of 15 and 29, my relationship with food was tumultuous at best. As soon as I thought I’d reached a healthy balance, I would find myself staring back into the face of the enemy I’d spent so much energy willing myself away from.  I would mark events in my life (college graduation, family events, our wedding, our first house) by “skinny time” or “fat time.” The memories illustrated in the photo would fade behind the noisy thoughts in my head criticizing every square inch of my body. Focused solely on myself, the shame attached to my pride only compounded the heartache.

My journey is full of marked moments of desperation. Between bottles of pills used to “balance” my food intake during college and extreme workouts that landed me in back surgery by age 23, I did everything to my body in pursuit of perfection. The breakdown? I allowed nothing for my body.

Let me pause here for a moment and ask you a question: Why should we care so much about this subject? Personally, why does physical health matter so intensely to me? One word answer for both questions: freedom. I longed for the emotional, physical, and spiritual space to love others, give radically, and live freely. My yo-yo years with nutritional and physical health have taken up so much space, in my head and heart. For a while, it was centered on dropping pounds and losing inches. Ultimately, as my heart began to heal, it was about finding consistency in one area of my life to build the foundation for growth and impact in all parts of my life.  

When we counsel others through eating disorders, we often hear “this will always be a part of your journey.” Or my other favorite, “this will always be your fight.” Living within that supposed truth kept me in bondage to this enemy for nearly half of my life. All I could find was temporary relief clouded by the harsh reality that this nemesis would show its face again. My story – the one that began with “this will always be your fight” – became my truth. It was my life banner, until my Creator intervened on my behalf to repaint that banner with His heart for me. In His grace, He rewrote my story. He gave me a new heartsong.

Here are the two truths of eating disorders: They are not preventable. They are curable. We are a community within a fallen world – crippled by sin and seemingly overpowered by societal norms. We cannot control what others around us see and hear. However, we can choose who we are for our community. We can be a soft landing for a hurting soul. We can speak in transparency and love. We can call the enemy for who he is and what he is – naming the lie and claiming the truth. And more than all of those combined, we can call on a Risen Savior. Christ needs not to fight the battle for us, because by His life, death, and resurrection…the war is already won.

In His victory is our freedom.

50 Shades of Heartbreak

I once heard it said that our checkbook and calendar highlight our priorities. What do we glorify as a society? What are we prioritizing today?

I've engaged in numerous discussions the last several months around the roles of men and women in a relationship. I've had some hard conversations about our human desire to fill in the gaps of our marriage with things of this world. I've listened to the heartbreak that comes from our own brokenness. I've seen the power that develops from vulnerability and truth. And I am thankful to be a part of the community of women committed to the pursuit of grace. Because we come from diverse backgrounds and unique teachings, these conversations encourage growth in my personal life and refinement in my marriage. The longer I press on for truth, the more I uncover God's intent for relationships and witness Him mend what is torn and tattered by our human nature.

Today...today, human nature is making a bold proclamation. And my heart aches at the sound.

I'll qualify before I start rambling.

I haven't read the book.
I haven't seen the movie.
I don't plan on either....

Despite the above, I have a pretty decent idea of what's held within the pages of 50 Shades of Grey. A woman who longs to be loved. A man who makes demands in order to maintain that love. And a relationship fraught with brokenness. Sure, it might look alluring on the outside, but is there fulfillment and goodness and unconditional love within? From what I can tell, the film/book illustrate a lot of our humanness. We are relational beings who pursue acceptance, community, stability, consistency, and true unconditional love. But at what cost?

So now, let's talk facts:
1 in 5 women will be raped in their lifetime.
1 in 4 women will be victims of domestic violence.
Half of all marriages end in divorce.
The number one cause of divorce: lack of communication.

Sure, we can all debate what constitutes what within a relationship.  I am of the opinion that, whether or not a person is in a relationship, if he or she says "no," that's enough. Anything to the contrary is a violation of dignity and safety.  Now suppose that individual so desperately longs for love that communication is silent. What then? The lack of openness to share anything indicates a new level of control and abuse exemplified by an individual's inability to speak freely without consequence.

An LA Times op-ed highlights the already growing trend of "acceptance" for poorly written prose and highly questionable film making. (Let's be honest, here. 10 years ago, this book and movie would have been relegated to one source...not mainstream media). Not so surprising, the lead actors didn't even enjoy the work. During their press tour, Jamie Dornan (Christian,) said "I had to do stuff to her that I'd never choose to do to a woman." If the actors are requesting their families avoid the movie, is it worth the rest of society sitting down to see it?

Sure, you can discount everything I've said because a) I haven't read the book and b) these are all personal opinions. And yet, I think it's worth discussing.

I sign off with this: once something is seen, it is etched in our minds and cannot be unseen. If your marriage is hurting, if your heart is aching, if you're searching for something...a spark, a newness, anything...you will not find it in Hollywood. You will sit down hopeful. You will walk out empty.

Find wholeness in grace. Find healing in promise. Find fulfillment in the Water. Be in the reality of your life - it can be beautiful.