cleaned up for chaos

i'm spontaneous.

that's what i tell people i meet.

i love adventure. i seek out new cities. i'm a big fan of moving to new places. i'm down to have coffee with a stranger - any day of the week.

so long as it's on my terms.

anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me knows that a conversation longer than 11 minutes will ultimately lead to an impromptu goal coaching session. at the center of my heart is you: your potential. your energy. your passion. i wake up to connect your inner most possibility to a life altering reality.  

but lately...when it comes to those coaching me...i'm shutting down. the questions start pouring in. the conversation livens. and then it happens.

i freeze.

my mind draws a blank. my pen stops moving. the page is full of words, ideas, expressions, drawings, and broken sentences. and nothing makes sense. for the first time in years, i'm not sure what i want to get after.

i couldn't figure out the road block until tonight's monthly catch up call with my three college roommates. we started talking about the surprising shift in becoming "creatures of habit" who apparently enjoy a smidge of order at the start of the week. little did i know, i've always been this routine, structure seeking being.

apparently, i've walked through life with a need for planning, cleanliness, certainty...and any other words that align with "must have control or everything will collapse." it wasn't until we began recounting stories of my odd habits of perfect sheets and organization during our time in college that i realized a startling truth: i like structure. in fact, i thrive in it. 

the "perfect plan" seems to create a sense of peace in what i choose as a jam packed life. when my home is in order, my heart is clear. walking into a peaceful environment supports my adventurous life, because i know i have a safe place to land. however, a trend is occurring. i spend more time keeping everything buttoned up than going after life with my whole heart.

i keep everything cleaned up, just in case chaos makes its way to my doorstep. 

the longer i hold onto the reigns of control, the more God will move my normal to release them. all that's needed exists within me at this very moment. no amount of structure, planning, and order can shift the possibility that's ahead. it's choice. my choice. to dig deep. trust Him. love hard. and live big. 

i'm here. i'm open. and i'm ready for things to get messy.

when Joy calls

I hear it everyday.I say it everyday. "life happens."

Today, I\'m struck by the magnitude of what\\\'s captured in that statement for so many of us.

What has happened?

A family member has taken ill. A spouse has lost his or her job. A child has suffered a virus with no foreseen cure. A friend has experienced a freak accident.

More often than not, I hear myself refer to life as the bucket for all things too difficult to carry on a human level.

Until today. The day when joy called.

Life happened today. I woke up. I shared an embrace with the man I adore. I took a bike ride in the sunshine to work - to a job I happen to love. I shared a phone call with peer who encouraged me in my work. I grabbed food with a friend. I sat on the couch and sipped wine with my main man while talking through his daily updates and "looking forward to\\\'s." I touched based with my sister for the planning of our parents\\\' 40th anniversary. I was reminded by a dear friend that God\'s goodness does not waiver - even when the world\'s no seems louder than God\'s abiding peace.

And that was simply today.

What joy might call tomorrow? Try these on for size.

-Embrace the moments that fuel your being
-Share gratitude with the first person you see
-View circumstances as just that - temporary peripheral happenings

Happiness is a chase without results.
Joy is a grounded recognition of Truth and freedom in choice.

From which place will you take action tomorrow?

#choosejoy

surrender

At the start of 2013, a friend handed me a guide - a play by play of zoning in on the word of the year. It\'s a twist, if you will, on the traditional "new years resolution," and one i was happy to test given my frequent frustration with resolve.

I thumbed through the pages of this workbook...determined to identify this word - this intention...reminder...north star of 2013. At the end of the workbook, I released expectation and toil - the work of simply trying to think such a lofty idea into existence.

And then it clicked.

Surrender.

Much of my life has been spent in overdrive - creating, doing, moving...at the root of those activities is one simple human truth: proving self worth.

at the start of 2013, i simply longed to sense and know God\'s presence in the midst of endless uncertainty. He gifted me with a sweet moment of truth - His truth that has never wavered. His presence has never faded. His goodness has never waned. His sovereignty has never failed.

And so in 2013, i committed to surrender. When i sense the human worth race clamoring at the door of my heart, i choose to be still and abide in His divine and purpose filled creation. When fear of what\'s next beckons at my earthly stability, I surrender to His provision that has never failed. When i question my purpose, I lean into His grace.

I surrender my mind so He can reign in my heart.

converse to connect

we all have them. some of us have them once a day...maybe even once an hour. words come out of our mouths. thoughts enter our heads. and it's done.

we've asked for something.
we've built an expectation.
and then we wait....

this pattern has never been more poignant than in my marriage. i say one thing and have created what will happen as a result of said statement/question/request. whether the desired outcome is in an hour or a year, i've already visualized and fully created what that outcome will be. the poor guy is doomed from the start - he can't even surprise me with joy or love me unconditionally...because i've created what that looks like, too!

wild imagination.

it's a recurring pattern in my life. so today i've taken a few moments to examine the impact. (it only took a few moments, because i didn't like what i saw). when i fail to take time to listen...to really hear from the person next to me - because i am only focused on me - i'm isolated. my world of self-created expectations, even when those expectations are centered on the happiness of another person, doesn't leave room for what's effortlessly in front of me. a couple hours to sit back and hear about the life updates of my nearest and dearest. a couple hours alone on the couch, with nothing to do but be still and soak up life. a spontaneous dinner with new friends. in grappling for control, the very essence of a beautiful life slips right through my fingers...leaving behind what could have been, if i'd only let go.

conversation is the means to one of God's greatest gifts - connection. the equation of connection, however, must be equally balanced on either side. an equal amount of intentional speaking must be met with others-focused listening (in my case, i need to double up that listening to speaking ratio...2 parts listening to 1 part conversing). in that space, where words are spoken and heard, opinions surface. thoughts are shared. life is opened.

and we connect.

joy in the journey

it's been years since i sat down to write..to really write.

literally - the account is still under my maiden name.

it's been years.


and i recognize so much just in that - i start down a path, i realize it's uncertain, and i shut it down. a paralyzing fear of uncertainty keeps me hidden in the shadows instead of exploring the varied shades of life. 

recently, i've been faced with another transition - one that is most certainly uncertain and full of sheer potential bliss. per my usual parker pattern, i was moving towards shutting it down. isn't it easier to stay under the covers and peek through that self created window between a fluffy pillow and a warm sheet? doesn't my protection come from a freshly washed tempurpedic sleeping mask? (and i just aged myself. willingly). shouldn't i just wait here until someone calls my name and gives me some marching orders? 

as i type, i'm sitting in the most beautiful apartment i may every live in. the waters of vancouver are steps from my window, and the lights from the nearest ski slopes flicker above our fireplace. sitting still, i'm certain i live in a novel, one i don't want to end. some of the greatest friends that have shaped my very being are just miles from my doorstep. a company i've come to call home is just over the bridge. seemingly, it's all right here...seemingly.

today, a very dear friend called me on my act. despite every excuse i tried to pull, she told me the truth: live out of gratitude instead of the death grip of fear. every card i played - from "is this right for our family?" to "what if everything falls apart" - is put back in the deck, never to be used again. because gratitude replaces every trump card with a heart free from the past, centered on the present, and open to the future.

so here i am, with a cup that overflows with gratitude for the time God has given us in this magical city and a heart that eagerly awaits what's next. between now and then, i choose joy|play|laughter|love|adventure. i choose to open my hands wide to the skies and relish in His goodness. i choose to walk forward - wrapped not in certainty or uncertainty - but in abundance. i choose life. because there - with arms up and spirit willing - is my heartsong.

#liveoutloud

You remain.

something i wrote 2 years ago has come back to impact me in full force...God's timing is divine.

His peace is perfect. His grace is divine. His love is unconditional. Ask, and He WILL meet you wherever you are. I have seen, felt, and experienced the power of Christ, and I am, yet again, a believer. Lord i believe. help me with my unbelief.

the piercing pain

the sting of death

and yet You remain...

i flounder and faulter

i stumble and wander

yet You remain.

a child so lost

fearful and uncertain

an orphan but surrounded

but suddenly i see my Father's face

my windy road is straightened

and lit with unending grace

now to walk in freedom

a daily decision

i choose grace over chains

bondage no more

the wreckage long destroyed

my pain removed, because You remain

Blessed be Your Name

Following my last blog post, I found myself adjusting to the trials of MBA school, silencing my jealousy (kidding...truth? excitement) of my father and sister's European travels, balancing the rigor and lessons of pre-marital counseling, and attempting to continue the sometimes overwhelming and defeating task of pain management (so as to avoid further back pain). The month brought some milestones...one year since my back surgery (which as many of you know was not the most helpful surgery), one month countdown until the wedding (which as many of you know...because you just know...because i countdown on every major source of technology :)), one month into MBA school and still alive...etc.

The big milestone came on September 12th, but not in the way you might think. That morning, upon waking up to realizing I was one year older and finally allowed to rent a car, I finished my accounting midterm and made my way to Raleigh to celebrate the marriage of a great friend, Chris Raynor, to his radiant bride, Karen Taylor. In the first few minutes of my drive, I received the horrific news that my fiance, Thomas, lost his best friend of 16 years to a car accident, just 3 hours before he was to marry that radiant bride. Christopher Barrus Raynor, one of the most compassionate and sincere men I have had the privilege of knowing, lost his life to this world and opened his eyes to the Lord...all while I sat at a desk, frantically calculating a balance sheet and income statement for a foreign company.

Needless to say, the reality of the next few days quickly propelled any and all things once considered significant into a very different category...call it backburner, extremely insignificant, low-priority, etc. Time seemed to stand still as we gathered together and mourned...for a week. The groomsmen tried to start normal life. The significant others attempted to make it through the day (none of us knowing how to really support the strong men we call husbands, fiances, and boyfriends). It seemed unnatural to be the source of comfort to them, as they are always the towering pillars of courage and stillness to us. But isn't that indicative of God's design for relationships? As I realized in church today, isn't that His painting for worship?

God designed worship as an unnatural response in our humanity. It is not in our daily tendency to worship outside of our control, to acknowledge the power of Another, or to rely on the Strength of One greater than ourselves. When we understand the power with which He moves and the grace under which He operates, we are compelled to worship. We can do nothing BUT stand in His presence and experience His greatness. When we have a glimpse of the mortality of life, we can better recognize the infinite majesty and eternal significance of His Sacrifice.

As I reflect on the past few weeks, I am compelled to a new understanding of relationships. Covenant commitment does not waiver when things get tough. If anything, a devoted relationship only strengthens during a difficult time. Nothing in our lives is certain. Nothing is constant. Through every twist and turn of life, the only stability on which we can stand is a common thread linking us to a Heavenly Father.

We tend to lean on the Lord when the going gets tough...He becomes our instant answer to a time of desperation instead of our constant encourager and provider during every season of our lives. As a result of these few weeks, I pray I can better understand the finality of life and cling to the realization that each day is an opportunity to worship a Risen Savior. Each second is the chance to experience His power. Each moment is just one more gift to understand a piece of God's character.

I told my fiance recently that we received the greatest wedding gift thus far through the experiences we've shared together. Under the banner of a Sovereign Lord, let us worship together in a new understanding of Him through the experiences He's given.

He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.