joy in the journey

it's been years since i sat down to write..to really write.

literally - the account is still under my maiden name.

it's been years.


and i recognize so much just in that - i start down a path, i realize it's uncertain, and i shut it down. a paralyzing fear of uncertainty keeps me hidden in the shadows instead of exploring the varied shades of life. 

recently, i've been faced with another transition - one that is most certainly uncertain and full of sheer potential bliss. per my usual parker pattern, i was moving towards shutting it down. isn't it easier to stay under the covers and peek through that self created window between a fluffy pillow and a warm sheet? doesn't my protection come from a freshly washed tempurpedic sleeping mask? (and i just aged myself. willingly). shouldn't i just wait here until someone calls my name and gives me some marching orders? 

as i type, i'm sitting in the most beautiful apartment i may every live in. the waters of vancouver are steps from my window, and the lights from the nearest ski slopes flicker above our fireplace. sitting still, i'm certain i live in a novel, one i don't want to end. some of the greatest friends that have shaped my very being are just miles from my doorstep. a company i've come to call home is just over the bridge. seemingly, it's all right here...seemingly.

today, a very dear friend called me on my act. despite every excuse i tried to pull, she told me the truth: live out of gratitude instead of the death grip of fear. every card i played - from "is this right for our family?" to "what if everything falls apart" - is put back in the deck, never to be used again. because gratitude replaces every trump card with a heart free from the past, centered on the present, and open to the future.

so here i am, with a cup that overflows with gratitude for the time God has given us in this magical city and a heart that eagerly awaits what's next. between now and then, i choose joy|play|laughter|love|adventure. i choose to open my hands wide to the skies and relish in His goodness. i choose to walk forward - wrapped not in certainty or uncertainty - but in abundance. i choose life. because there - with arms up and spirit willing - is my heartsong.

#liveoutloud

You remain.

something i wrote 2 years ago has come back to impact me in full force...God's timing is divine.

His peace is perfect. His grace is divine. His love is unconditional. Ask, and He WILL meet you wherever you are. I have seen, felt, and experienced the power of Christ, and I am, yet again, a believer. Lord i believe. help me with my unbelief.

the piercing pain

the sting of death

and yet You remain...

i flounder and faulter

i stumble and wander

yet You remain.

a child so lost

fearful and uncertain

an orphan but surrounded

but suddenly i see my Father's face

my windy road is straightened

and lit with unending grace

now to walk in freedom

a daily decision

i choose grace over chains

bondage no more

the wreckage long destroyed

my pain removed, because You remain

Blessed be Your Name

Following my last blog post, I found myself adjusting to the trials of MBA school, silencing my jealousy (kidding...truth? excitement) of my father and sister's European travels, balancing the rigor and lessons of pre-marital counseling, and attempting to continue the sometimes overwhelming and defeating task of pain management (so as to avoid further back pain). The month brought some milestones...one year since my back surgery (which as many of you know was not the most helpful surgery), one month countdown until the wedding (which as many of you know...because you just know...because i countdown on every major source of technology :)), one month into MBA school and still alive...etc.

The big milestone came on September 12th, but not in the way you might think. That morning, upon waking up to realizing I was one year older and finally allowed to rent a car, I finished my accounting midterm and made my way to Raleigh to celebrate the marriage of a great friend, Chris Raynor, to his radiant bride, Karen Taylor. In the first few minutes of my drive, I received the horrific news that my fiance, Thomas, lost his best friend of 16 years to a car accident, just 3 hours before he was to marry that radiant bride. Christopher Barrus Raynor, one of the most compassionate and sincere men I have had the privilege of knowing, lost his life to this world and opened his eyes to the Lord...all while I sat at a desk, frantically calculating a balance sheet and income statement for a foreign company.

Needless to say, the reality of the next few days quickly propelled any and all things once considered significant into a very different category...call it backburner, extremely insignificant, low-priority, etc. Time seemed to stand still as we gathered together and mourned...for a week. The groomsmen tried to start normal life. The significant others attempted to make it through the day (none of us knowing how to really support the strong men we call husbands, fiances, and boyfriends). It seemed unnatural to be the source of comfort to them, as they are always the towering pillars of courage and stillness to us. But isn't that indicative of God's design for relationships? As I realized in church today, isn't that His painting for worship?

God designed worship as an unnatural response in our humanity. It is not in our daily tendency to worship outside of our control, to acknowledge the power of Another, or to rely on the Strength of One greater than ourselves. When we understand the power with which He moves and the grace under which He operates, we are compelled to worship. We can do nothing BUT stand in His presence and experience His greatness. When we have a glimpse of the mortality of life, we can better recognize the infinite majesty and eternal significance of His Sacrifice.

As I reflect on the past few weeks, I am compelled to a new understanding of relationships. Covenant commitment does not waiver when things get tough. If anything, a devoted relationship only strengthens during a difficult time. Nothing in our lives is certain. Nothing is constant. Through every twist and turn of life, the only stability on which we can stand is a common thread linking us to a Heavenly Father.

We tend to lean on the Lord when the going gets tough...He becomes our instant answer to a time of desperation instead of our constant encourager and provider during every season of our lives. As a result of these few weeks, I pray I can better understand the finality of life and cling to the realization that each day is an opportunity to worship a Risen Savior. Each second is the chance to experience His power. Each moment is just one more gift to understand a piece of God's character.

I told my fiance recently that we received the greatest wedding gift thus far through the experiences we've shared together. Under the banner of a Sovereign Lord, let us worship together in a new understanding of Him through the experiences He's given.

He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

On Monday of this week, I received a phone call from my mom that my dad was on his way to visit me in Chapel Hill. All he wanted to do was love on me and encourage me, but all I could think about was exhaustion and the huge pile of books sitting next to me.

So I asked him not to come. And now he's on a plane to France.

When I first talked to mom, I thought, for some reason, that he was leaving Tuesday, so I did not for ANY reason want him to spend his last night in America with ME instead of with mom, of course. However, as I spoke with him on the phone today, I realized how much I needed a visit from my dad on Monday...and how much I wish I'd just stayed up for an extra two hours and waited for that knock on the door.

I've heard horror stories the last week about the sudden loss of parents. For some reason, it is hitting me like a truckload of bricks today, as my dad and sister fly off to Europe for what is normally our family vacation. I have become lost in the whirlwind of school and can barely stay focused for the rampant up and down waves of new emotional transition...what a strange time, these mid twenties have become :).

As I reflect now on the past few days, I realize how relational we are as human beings. Normally, society just pegs women as relational. Clearly, per usual, society is wrong. All of us long for partnership with another person. All of us ache for love, affection, affirmation, protection, encouragement, etc. I have realized how fortunate I am to have the gift of a Heavenly Father Who gave up His Son for the sake of rescuing one heart...my heart. It doesn't get more relational than that.

I am beyond thankful to have an earthly father who so accurately represents and imitates the sacrificial love of my Heavenly Father. My father would give up anything, anything, for his family and for his friends. He is loyal, almost to a fault...thankful for his guidance and love in my life now and always.

Fly safe La and Dad. Love you both.

Hebrews 6:13-20

New day...fresh snow

May 20th...that's indicative of my journaling consistency, as well. I find myself logging minutes in my mind via "clicking experiences" that I'd like to share with the world but somehow manage to bury beneath my pillow when nighttime finally comes.

The past few months have been exhausting ones, but somehow simultaneously exhilarating. God has opened incredible doors to new possibilities, and I am finally able to see them as just that...possibilities. Why do we live in a world of expectation? My vocabulary has centered around "should not, wish I could, and what ifs" for too long. After a powerful presentation from Ben Zander, world-famous conductor, my focus has transitioned from downward-spiral thinking to visionary and artistic possibility. I owe a great deal of gratitude to the staff at UNC Chapel Hill for creating powerful means towards life-changing learning these past few weeks...while I am frightened by the overwhelming work we will face these next two years in MBA school, I greatly value the challenge ahead and the team surrounding me.

I hope to maintain better outlets of communication throughout these next two years, as a lot is hanging in my life. However, annoyingly, some things remain very stagnant. Most girls in their mid-twenties would look forward to all that's in front of me...two years of education at one of America's finest business schools (yes, I'm a bit partial)...marriage to God's most amazing, generous, and sincere men (totally not partial..he's just that great)...a new home in an awesome city...but somehow, I end up bound in fear instead of exploding into possibility.

We had a short, two hour break during orientation this week. My break was spent back in an MRI tube scanning for potential damage to my back. This time last year, I was living in hopeful expectation that surgery would provide the answer to two years of chronic pain. Unfortunately, the improvement has been minimal at best. The journey has humbled me in that I realize, on a VERY small level, what some people endure every day. Women my age battle cancer, terminal disease, dehabilitating pain, loss of a child, or the end of a marriage. I am simply attempting to study while doped up on muscle relaxers and praying that I will not experience a muscle spasm during my finance exam (sadly, it happened anyway). I recently read a scripture in Romans addressing the need to rejoice in our suffering. My outlook has quickly changed, as I view the blessings God has bestowed on my life through this journey.

I guess I could ramble on for hours upon hours, but the purpose of this entry is to simply poke my head back into the creative writing world and find a method of expression...one I will hopefully maintain in the coming years as I learn to wander through life as a student and a wife. Here goes nothin : )

With love,

Parker

Letting Go

I'm learning something...yet again...I can't seem to let go.

I always knew I had trouble closing doors in my life, and allowing God to transition me into another season. However, it was only when my better half actually verbalized examples of this tendency to hold on did I suddenly realize that I do not give God much room with which to work. I ask for things. I beg for direction. I hope for a second chance. I pray for some stark realization...however, I never give God space in my heart to transform those deep places of hurt or anxiety into settled oceans of peace.

That's when He starts to make room.

Lately, I find that God is nudging His way in through experiences, tragedy, or a quick trip to a coffee shop. Sometimes it's through something noticeable..or someone, I should say. Other times, it's a subtle and gentle reminder to me that He's still God, and He's still in control. My ending prayer for today, a day of wondering and questioning, is that I will simply step back and follow those still, small leadings and allow Him to work...allow Him to heal...allow Him to move mountains and make a highway, as He promises to do in His word. Praise Him Someone Else is driving this life train............

Let it Rain

It's amazing to me that God would choose the past few days to provide tactile, physical experiences to remind me of His unending presence...

You see, as you can probably tell from my last blog, I've fallen off the map recently. I took a sort of "hiatus" from daily communication, as my life suddenly began to ramp up into overdrive...well beyond "full steam ahead." For two years, I have prayed that God would open the door to graduate school, of course, if it was HIS will for my life. Sure enough, on February 9th, I received an acceptance letter from my top choice university. Just several hours later, the man of my dreams asked me to be his wife. Within a 24 hour period, my life was seemingly "falling into place." So why wasn't I happy?

Well, the truth is, circumstances never bring us full and total joy. Happiness is definitely circumstantial. Take for instance my extreme giddiness that has continued following this momentous day. However, joy, as my mother once defined it, is the deep settled confidence of knowing that God is in control. I started to see the pieces come together in my life, but I forgot to acknowledge the Puzzle Maker.

While taking a walk around the lake outside of my new home...which I adore and feel privileged to own...I listened to a new version of "Amazing Grace." In between the stanzas, the artist sings about God's grace falling on us like the rain does from the sky. During the first chorus, the skies opened up, and it began to rain heavily. I kept walking and experiencing total joy as each drop fell on my skin and washed away the worries, fears, and troubles of my past. I soaked in the damp air, and allowed my heart to receive the truth God had in that song. Only experiencing HIS full and perfect love allows us to relish in the blessings He has before us. Only when we acknowledge our inability to perfectly love and cling to Jesus' perfect adoration of the Father can we let go...and let Him.