It’s been almost a year since I left a job with a company I
adored. I believed in its mission. Its employees were my family. Its potential
was my fuel. And yet, I carry some battle wounds from my time there. As my first job out of business
school, I spent many months working hard for solid results. As that time
progressed, my priorities shifted. My language changed. I said I loved things I didn’t. And eventually, I lost
myself.
Somewhere between trying to convince myself something wasn’t
right and sharing that knowledge with others, I burned out. I was tired of
fighting to be heard and hearing in return that I was simply “too much.” After
starting to dance to the beat of drums I didn’t know, I had a difficult time
tuning into the desires of my heart. It was clear I needed a
recalibration/retuning in listening. And so I stopped. I got still. I got real.
And I got free – free from the expectations of myself, free from the judgment
of others, and free from words I heard that became my truth.
My identity – for much of my life – has been wrapped in what
I am doing as opposed to who I am being. And so, for me, separating from a career I truly
loved and where I was supposedly known was challenging. And, as I learned in
this process, the space between ideation and action can be dark. For several
months, I sought the affirmation of others to take a leap into a new
opportunity. It seemed I consulted any human within a five-foot radius. Looking
back, I recognize I was relying on the advice of colleagues who had spoken into
my hardest days…and it makes sense. They were the ones I trusted. They were the
ones that knew me. And they stood for me,
not with me…there is a big difference. But even with the heartfelt
encouragement and support of those amazing people, the choice was still my own.
Perhaps the above sounds drastic to you – and it could be. Sure.
For where I was (and am) in my life, my job was everything. My goals centered
around its potential. Our moves to different cities were based on my dreams. And that’s where I found
release – in recognizing what was driving our choices. Me. I was angry when I
didn’t get my way. I was frustrated when things got difficult. And I got
resentful as I realized my life was not my own. Yet I kept pushing harder.
Ultimately, I recognized the pitfalls of trying to “create a life” and instead
opened my eyes to the life I’ve already been given. Because it is enough…it’s
more than enough.
In whatever season you find yourself, at its core is an
element of disbelief: disbelief in the possible, disbelief in your own courage,
disbelief in the providence and provision
of your Creator. It is an earthly response to a divine indwelling. Each of
us is created on purpose, and rising up from the ashes of disbelief and rejection to reach for that purpose is daunting, arduous, and AWESOME.
Live into the awesome part.
